“We don’t accomplish anything in this world alone … and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one’s life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something.”

~ Sandra Day O’Connor

As family caregivers we become so focused on the responsibilities we have for our care recipients, at times we can feel very alone. But no caregiver lives in a vacuum.

You may feel like you’re alone, but you’re not!

Even if you think your daily life consists solely of yourself and your aging parents (”Golden Oldies” is what I prefer to call them), your world must include, at the very least, a doctor, his or her staff, and probably a pharmacist, too. Keep reading to find out more reasons why you’re not alone . . .

I’ve recently been thinking about the caregiving world as a series of concentric circles, like a target. In the center of mine, in the smallest circle, are my mom and me. Right outside that tiny circle is the next circle of my immediate and extended family. The next larger circle surrounding that one consists of the board & care staff and health professionals who are part of our caregiving “village.” And the very next circle holds our friends and neighbors.

In October, I wrote about going back East on a short trip, and how it was going to “take a village” to care for my mom during that time. It struck me after my return that this village still exists, and that I had created it subconsciously, little by little, over time. It is very gratifying to realize how many people are supporting me and my mom in a “hands on” way on a day-to-day basis.

Perhaps you have done the same but, like me, haven’t taken the time to recognize your village?

It dawned on me that I’ve added a new, even bigger circle that you are all a part of because you are reading this post!

Now no family caregiver ever needs to feel alone — people all over the world can read the words written here 24/7 no matter what country or time zone they live in. In less than a year, I have readers from 12 countries around the world! TLeC has gone global and I couldn’t be happier!

The quote below expresses how I feel about the awesome community we are building here:

“A community isn’t built or befriended,
it’s connected by offering and accepting.
Community is affinity, identity, and kinship
that make room for ideas, thoughts, and solutions.
Wherever a community gathers, we aspire and inspire each other intentionally . . . And our words shine with authenticity.”

~ Liz Strauss, Successful-Blog.com

I have offered my ideas, and you have added to them in a myriad of ways through your comments and emails. My wish is that you will all gain something of value by participating in our growing community. One in which we share, learn together, and support each other through the roller coaster ride every family caregiver experiences. My vision is that TLeC will always be a place in which you can stop by for a visit, read a little or a lot, and then head back to your own world feeling better as a result of your time spent here.

Please know that in the increasing concentric circles of the TLeC caregiving community you are not alone!

What part of the world do you live in? Please tell us which city, state, county, country, continent or galaxy in the comments below. OK, I’ll go first . . . I live in sunny California!

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Photo Credit: SuperFantastic’s Photostream on Flickr

This is Part 5 in a series. Please see the bottom of this article for a link to the first four parts of the Family Caregivers Communication Class.

We take talking with our parents for granted . . . until our aging parents can’t speak any longer.

My mom gradually stopped speaking and since October 2007 she only utters a few words or phrases occasionally. When she does speak, the words are often unintelligible, don’t make sense, nor relate to the conversation around her. I didn’t know it at first, but this medical condition is called aphasia. I thought it was just part of the progression of her Alzheimer’s disease.

What My Instincts Told Me To Do

As my mom became less talkative, I found myself looking for different ways to connect with her. These are some of the techniques I’ve used successfully:

Have eye contact with your aging parent before you speak. This helps my mom to focus on my words and facial expression.

Talk slowly, enunciate clearly and keep your sentences short. Put only one thought into a sentence. When I do this, Mom seems to follow some of what I’m saying.

Aphasics haven’t lost their intelligence, just their ability to speak. They are like a baby who understands and responds to language even before they can say words, phrases and/or sentences. I think my mom understands more than she can express.

Be inclusive when you speak. I tell my mom about all family news, events and contact from friends far and wide. I’m not even sure she knows who I’m talking about due to her memory loss, but I share happy things with her all the time. In my heart, I think she understands. I also avoid sharing bad news, either local or global, because why upset her? In my opinion, it’s just not necessary.

Add nonverbal communication into your conversations. Many times I “cuddle her up” which means lots of hugging, kissing, and massaging. Even if we don’t talk, she can feel my love for her through the sense of touch.

Watch your Golden Oldie closely when talking with them. While they may not verbalize, be alert for other ways they are “speaking” to you. My mom will nod ever so slightly or move her head side-to-side in response to a simple “yes” or “no” question, such as “Do you want to look at this book with me?” Sometimes she’ll look away, and I take that as a “Not interested” response. She also communicates in different ways with her eyes — raising her eyebrows at people at times, or closing her eyes tightly when she doesn’t like something.

Even if the words are gibberish, the inflection in her voice makes me think she’s saying something important to her. I reply in a similar tone to reassure and encourage her. Sometimes I say, “Mom, I didn’t quite understand you. Can you repeat it please?” But she isn’t able to.

Bring visual aids to enhance your “conversations.” I often bring cards I’ve gotten in the mail, some flowers, a stuffed animal, picture books, or photos (both old and new) to share with her and focus our attention on together. Seeing something she likes will spark a few words at times.

What I’ve Learned About Aphasia

Aphasia is an impairment in the ability to speak and understand others, and people with aphasia may have difficulty reading and writing, too. While it is most common among older people, it can occur in people of all ages, races, nationalities and gender. The most common cause of aphasia is stroke; about 25-40% of stroke survivors acquire aphasia. It can also be a result of head injury, brain tumor, or other neurological causes.

Aphasia affects about 1 million Americans, or about 1 in 250 people. More than 100,000 Americans acquire the disorder each year. As in my case, most people have never heard of it until they are facing it with a loved one.

There are many types of aphasia. Some people have trouble speaking, while others have a hard time following a conversation. In some people aphasia is fairly mild and you may not notice it right away. In other cases it can be severe and will affect all communication skills — speaking, writing, reading and listening.

Through my research I’ve found the additional tips below from the National Aphasia Association for communicating with our aging parents who have aphasia:

• During conversation, minimize or eliminate background noise (such as TV, radio, other people) as much as possible.

• Other modes of communication can include writing, drawing, and gestures.

• Give them time to talk and let them have a reasonable amount of time to respond. Avoid speaking for the person with aphasia except when necessary and ask permission before doing so.

• Keep communication simple but adult. Reduce your own rate of speech. You don’t need to speak louder then normal, but do emphasize key words.

• Don’t talk down to the person with aphasia. Their intelligence is still intact; don’t let others assume they are mentally retarded or mentally ill.

People who have aphasia as a result of a stroke or head injury may recover their ability to speak and communicate in time.

Aphasia and Alzheimer’s Disease

The impact of aphasia on relationships varies from family to family. My mom’s aphasia is part of her progressive brain deterioration due to Alzheimer’s disease. She will never recover her ability to speak, because the ideas and thoughts that she could express are disrupted along with her ability to communicate.

When my mom speaks I wonder if she’s thinking “What the heck happened to me?” because her words don’t come out right. Or does she think she’s communicating perfectly clearly? I’ll never know the answer to these questions. She doesn’t appear frustrated, so in my heart I hope she’s not.

What has been your experience caring for someone with aphasia?

What are your tips on how we can better communicate with them? Please write them in the comment section below.

Click here to read the first Four Parts of the Family Caregivers Communication Class.

In Part One of my interview with Lori Hoeck, family caregiver for her mom, age 79, she candidly told us how her life has changed and shared the daily caregiving challenges she and her husband face.

Now we will move on to another subject — the rewards she’s received from being a caregiver, as well as advice for anyone who sees themselves becoming caregivers to their aging parents in the future.

Welcome back and thank you again for your time and honesty in sharing your story with us!

You’ve really had your hands full in so many ways, Lori. What advice would you give my readers if they see themselves becoming family caregivers in the near or distant future?

Understand the process of grief.

The paradigm shift from seeing a strong, independent adult who changed your diapers, wiped your nose, and shaped your life suddenly or gradually change into a person who is more dependent, sometimes helpless, or exhibits an altered personality is tough and often gut-wrenching.

It is important to understand the grief you will be going through as they decline physically, mentally, or emotionally is a process yourself and the loved one you are caring for are both experiencing! The stages of grief are:

Denial (this isn’t happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…)
Depression (I don’t care anymore)
Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)

It’s OK, just don’t get stuck in one of the first four stages forever. Also, try to understand how each state can negatively affect your relationships with family as well as friends.

Change your perspective.

My husband had this insight one day from God: “Why get angry at the tree when it loses its leaves? It is not the tree’s fault; it’s just the way it is.” These words help my husband realize much of my mom’s way of being isn’t her fault, and he can turn his mind away from negative thoughts like:

• She is being this way purposely
• She isn’t trying hard enough
• She is just seeking attention
• She should act more mature

Because, whether she is or isn’t acting these ways, it doesn’t matter. Instead, we have to say to ourselves, “How can we make this time of her life happier and less stressful?” Such revelations help caregivers to learn to roll with the punches – and surrender to the reality of the changes (but never to the illness).

I love this tree analogy, Lori! It is so true and adds so much compassion to the relationship. Your husband is a very special person to realize it and state it so beautifully.

Take care of yourself first!

For me, it’s like I learned in EMT training: When you arrive on an emergency scene keep yourself safe and healthy, because if you don’t, you won’t be able to help others and will probably tie up emergency resources that could be used to help the original victims. If you give all you’ve got to care-giving, you may become sick or burned out and not able to function in that capacity any more.

What do you do for self-care, Lori?

• Exercise

• Journal writing

• Maintain a decent, healthy diet, but nothing too stressfully strict

• My husband will take my mom out for a few hours so I have the house to myself

• My husband has a healing touch with acupressure points, reflexology, and massage, so his loving TLC helps immensely

• The biggest self-care is an understanding of health from many years of searching for an answer to my depression. From that, and as a third degree black belt, I know myself pretty well. I firmly believe in what Louise Hay writes on the emotional triggers behind health issues — basically she says that we are more responsible for our own health than we realize. To this end,

• I take certain vitamins and supplements that are effective for me

• We all use the highly therapeutic Young Living Essential Oils for wellness

• I clean with products that aren’t filled with nasty chemicals

• I use an assortment of leading edge mental health therapies on myself such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP)

• I know my heart and mind well enough to ask for help if my outlook sinks too low

Don’t let guilt guide you.

Guilt is useless if it pulls you down, makes you beat yourself up, or is used as a manipulation tool by others. I’ve learned that guilt only has value when it’s a bone-marrow deep motivator for positive change.

Get support.

Family may or may not support you. Their excuses will seem lame, they seem not to understand how much effort is involved, and they will seem to be more interested in not being inconvenienced. Or you may be too protective – addicted to being the do-gooder — so you let yourself become overwhelmed.

Either way, seek help. I could not do this without an amazing, loving husband to who has had to grow up just as fast as I in all this. Our maturity levels, ability to laugh at even the toughest times, and our closeness to God and each other has skyrocketed in the past few years. We are both convinced such change came only with help from God. We can’t take credit for coming through the tough times and staying sane and more loving toward each other and my mom.

It’s nice that your faith has helped you through this experience, Lori.

And what is the most rewarding or enjoyable part of caregiving for you?

For a long time, I endured caregiving as a duty-bound and loving daughter, so the only reward was in knowing I was doing the right thing, and that for the most part, I did it all quite well. I make a great caregiver because as a perfectionist, I tend to find the best ways to do it for all involved. That only gets you so far.

There are times when the duty becomes a drudgery that is draining mentally, physically, and emotionally. None of that was rewarding or enjoyable at the time, but as my husband and I sought to put the whole situation and our mindsets into God’s hands, we slowly grew through it all. We both explored our inner workings and sought to develop personally so that any anger, impatience, or wanting to control the situation lessened.

Looking back, I still can’t see any milestones, I just know my husband and I are far better people for being caregivers. Knowing we can now provide care for my mother on a more life-enriching level – instead of just out of duty – means that all of us benefit.

Lori, thank you for sharing your family’s personal story with us. Each caregiving journey is different, but it is always comforting to know others are “in the trenches” with us and to learn from their experiences. Please leave your comments and questions for Lori below.

Lori Hoeck writes as SpaceAgeSage at her personal development blog SpaceAgeSage.com. Please read more of what she’s written there or subscribe to her RSS feed here.

A man moves into a Florida nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo!

He’s really worried, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice.

Several days later he receives a letter from his grandmother.

It says: “Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle . . . It makes your nose look too short.”

Love,
Grandma

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ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

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California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as PINOT MORE.

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To Everyone in the TLeC community, have a great weekend!

On Monday we will have Part Two of my interview with Lori Hoeck titled “One Caregiver’s Story.” You can read Part One here.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

~ Melodie Beattie

This video gets a two thumbs up from me!

The idea of showing gratitude to the people in our lives who stand right before us is powerful and one to strive for each day.

How difficult is it to say “Thanks” to those people who cross our path multiple times in one day, or even just occasionally? To those we know well or strangers? To family members or new neighbors?

If you can’t find the words or feel awkward saying them, this video is absolutely right — a hand gesture, a wink of the eye, or even a special smile can get your message of appreciation across.

My Personal List of “Thank You’s” for Thanksgiving 2008

These people have helped me create and maintain the absolutely wonderful life I am living!

My precious husband, son, Mom, and extended family whom I cherish more than I can say

My circles of friends living far & wide, “old” friends and new, those met online whom I haven’t met in person (yet) to my weekly neighborhood Mah Jongg mavens

My wellness group — dentist, doctors, pharmacists, yoga and dance teachers, dance partners & those who share my love of music, meditation and movement, be it fast or slow

My financial advisors — bankers, stock brokers, financial planners, accountant and their staffs

My “maintenance” crew — postal delivery person, computer technician & designer, housekeeper and hairdresser

My caregiving support system — loving caregivers for my Mom and the board & care administration; Alzheimer’s Association staff, support group and acquaintances; hospice nurses social worker and entire staff; and my Mom’s doctor who still makes house calls

My spiritual advisors — Rabbis, Cantor, synagogue staff and friends, and God, of course!

My ancestors and dear friends who are no longer with me on earth but will live forever in my heart!

And you, my dear readers and new blogosphere friends, who inspire me by stopping by, reading my words and adding your thoughts to the TLeC community!

I appreciate you all year round, but I want to publicly express my deepest gratitude today.

Who will you be thanking this year?

Let them feel your gratitude, no matter how you show it!

In honor of National Family Caregivers Month, I am shining the spotlight on a family caregiver who I’ve gotten to know in the blogosphere, Lori Hoeck. Lori is a loyal reader of my blog and in her first comment here told me that she and her husband are family caregivers for her mother, age 79, who has lived with them for many years. Check out her mom’s high school photo! Lori has graciously agreed to answer my questions and share their caregiving journey with us.

Welcome, Lori! How and when did caregiving start for you?

After living with my husband and me for a few years as a very independent, much-traveling woman, my mother suffered a stroke in 2001 while visiting family. EMT’s transported her to the hospital where they gave her tPA, which dissolves stroke-causing blood clots. She suffered no physical deficits.

After she returned home with us, she had a Transient Ischemic Attack. Coming on the heels of the stroke, the TIA left her with a lot of mental deficits, including a major reduction in sequencing skills. Making change, remembering the order of things, and staying on task were abilities my Mom had that dropped radically after the TIA. Recovery was slow, but eventually she was able to drive a car short distances and be very independent, able to fix meals, and keep up with her own housekeeping. About two years ago, though, her short-term memory started to decline fairly quickly and she gave up driving. Presently she is taking the drug Aricept which seems to slow the decline.

What are some ways your life has changed since you became your mother’s caregiver?

The residual deficits in sequencing skills plus the short-term memory loss meant pots were left on the stove top too long, microwave time settings had an extra zero added, and perishable foods were left out of the refrigerator too long. We’ve gone through four microwaves, three coffee pots, and tossed out lots of food, some of which went in the trash after we got sick. Also:

• I’ve found the dishwasher with dish soap that has bubbled up and overflowed in the dishwasher, which then plays havoc with the water indicator so the heating coil starts cooking the bubbles.
• She’s tried to starch her clothes while ironing with a can of window cleaner.
• Our cats became sick after she cleaned the bathtub, but did not rinse it well enough, and the cats walked in the tub and then licked their paws.

Since these occurrences, I’ve locked up most of the household chemicals and cleaners, taken over all cooking and kitchen cleaning (not that this stops her from trying!), and had to take extra care to watch out for the health and well-being of our cats. Her physical health is great, but it’s unsafe for her to be alone for extended periods, such as overnight. I work out of our home as a freelance writer, so she is rarely alone for more than 3-4 hours.

What do you find is the most challenging aspect of caregiving?

• Knowing it will never get better, I will never have my mom back the way she was, and I can never talk with her the same ever again
• I must be the parental figure now in so many ways, but still provide as much dignity to the process as possible for her
• Having to be proactive, prevention minded, and as patient as the Biblical character Job as I handle her money, legal, and medical issues
• Trying to set boundaries, establish a routine, or figure out her state of mind, since it’s often impossible
• She regresses to words and emotions of childhood sometimes. It makes her very fragile emotionally, and yet she can be as stubborn as a teenager and equally insistent, often taking too many things personally
• Having family members think she is at a higher functioning level than she really is, so they see our precautions as either unnecessary or too controlling
• Her tendency to be forgetful of things – sometimes within seconds — and yet still fixate on things like housekeeping, the weather, and our extended family’s problems

The biggest challenge, however, is working with the combination of her personality and the memory deficits. My mom comes from a family culture where you endured silently any aches, pains, or misfortune. Hiding behind a mask was learned from an early age.

• I may find my mom crying, but she will try to stop and then clam up about it.
• I might point out an obvious fact, but she will deny it, laugh it off, or ignore it by going into her room and pouting for a short time.
• I will try to help her, but she refuses, brushing off my assistance with “Oh no, that’s fine. I can get it.”

Her state of mind, her masking skills, and her memory loss combine, and as a result the rules of interaction are always changing or don’t exist – as soon as one is set, it changes. For example, I’ve asked her if she wanted to go with me on errands in an hour or so (because she takes time to get ready), and she might say no. At that point, I may make new plans that don’t include her, but if I don’t leave right away, I may see her come out of her room all dressed up telling me, “OK, I’m ready to go.”

One day she wanted a fast-food burger, so I took her to a Wendy’s drive-thru, but for some reason the chicken sandwiches appealed to her and, despite my reminding her that she really wanted a burger, she got a chicken sandwich. I triple-checked with her that the chicken was what she really wanted. We drove a few miles to a scenic overlook and parked the car to eat and look at the view. I pulled out her wrapped up sandwich and handed it to her. She peeled back the paper, looked puzzled, and exclaimed in a totally surprised voice, “This is not a hamburger!”

If at anytime in these two incidences I had pointed out her change of mind, she would have become defensive, taken it personally, and withdrawn emotionally – until she forgot about it again. I wrote in my blog that it is often like living in a not-so-funny Saturday Night Live skit.

I think you’ll agree, Lori writes from her heart. Thank you for being so open and honest with us, Lori. She has graciously agreed to answer questions you have for her in the comment section below. So please don’t be shy.

You can read more of Lori’s captivating writing on her personal development blog at SpaceAgeSage.com. We will continue with Part 2 of my interview with Lori next week, so stay tuned!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00…on one condition.”

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said . . .

“Clean my house.”

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The following HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern “seat covers” (invented by someone’s mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance.”

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance.”

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, “Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!” Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that’s still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. “Occupied!” you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT . . .

It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly dear, “You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.”

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s restroom. Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you’ve GOT to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

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To everyone in the TLeC community, have a great weekend!

Since November is National Family Caregivers Month, I want to focus on the many wonderful caregivers in the world and provide extra support for them, too.

Let’s start with how to help decrease caregivers’ stress!

If you are a family caregiver, please answer these quick questions. (Don’t worry you don’t have to tell me the answers — it’s just for you, so be honest!)

As a caregiver for your aging parents, spouse or relatives, do you regularly:

• Feel like you have to do it all yourself, and that you should be doing more?

• Withdraw from family, friends and activities that you used to enjoy?

• Feel anxious about money and health care decisions?

• Have health problems that are taking a toll on you mentally and physically?

• Feel grief or sadness that your relationship with your Golden Oldie isn’t what it used to be?

If you have answered “Yes!” to any of these questions, there are a huge number of resources at your computer fingertips through the Alzheimer’s Association. The Association has just launched a new resource to help identify and relieve the physical and emotional stress caregivers experience, and it’s called Caregiver Stress Check.

Caregiver Stress Check is a first-of-its-kind, interactive quiz caregivers take to identify their own personal symptoms of stress and then it provides a tailored list of helpful referrals and resources. The quiz can be accessed here.

“But my aging parent doesn’t have dementia or Alzheimer’s disease.”

Take this quiz anyway!

I have reviewed all of the 20 detailed resources provided, and yes, some of them are directed towards caregivers of Alzheimer’s patients, but more than half of these resources can be helpful for everyone who is a caregiver for their aging parents or spouse, no matter what disease the care recipient may have. Even if your Golden Oldies are physically healthy, aging gracefully and you are providing “just a little help,” the pressure can sneak up on you.

The Stress Check uncovers symptoms that all caregivers experience: overwhelm, withdrawal, worry, denial, frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness and grief.

The resource lists are detailed and available in many formats, such as both online and printable care guides, calendars, brochures, reports, plus message boards and DVD’s.

If you are a family caregiver, chances are you feel different degress of stress from time to time — if not all the time. Please utilize this excellent resource when you are feeling physically and/or emotionally worn out. I’m there with you — I experience caregiver stress and have started to dig into these resources.

Please forward this information to other caregivers you know. It can be your gift to a caregiver for National Family Caregivers Month, and it will definitely be a gift that keeps on giving!

If you are a caregiver, please leave your feedback about the Stress Check in the comments below.

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Photo Credit: gotplaid?’s photostream

Outside Resource:

Alzheimer’s Association — November is National Alzheimer’s Disease Awareness Month

“If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.”

~ Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)

With gratitude to Lance Ekum at The Jungle of Life for unearthing this poem!

Before watching this documentary I thought it was going to be an investigative report focused on elder abuse, and I was surprised to find out it is much more comprehensive than that!

In fact, I wish a major TV network or PBS would air this eye-opening documentary during prime time because it is filled with important information about eldercare in America.

What Does It Cover?

By the year 2010, there will be 40.2 million Americans over the age of 65. And by the year 2030, there will be 71.4 million Americans over 65. Nearly double the amount of senior citizens will be added to the U.S. population in only 20 years!

This documentary explains how financial abuse is committed against our senior citizens: by predatory caregivers, crooked conservators, telemarketing hoaxes and a variety of other scams by ex-cons and con artists. Our Golden Oldies can be robbed of their entire life savings, homes and even their lives if they become the victims of such schemes.

The producers provide many excellent tips on how to prevent financial elder abuse, and include topics such as alternative long-term living arrangements for our Golden Oldies, the role and importance of geriatric care managers, and a touching story about former President Ronald Reagan and his son, Michael.

What Makes It Different?

The many personal stories woven throughout the documentary are what really stayed with me for days after I first watched it.

One of the most interesting segments for me was about Lloyd Drum, age 76, a recovering hoarder. His favorite collectibles were TV sets and bicycles. At one time Lloyd had 5,000 bicycles and bike parts inside his house and he slept in a reclining chair on the front porch! His hoarding habit created a life safety issue, and potentially legal consequences. Hoarding is defined as “the acquisition and failure to discard items that most people would consider useless or of limited value” and is a self-created abuse. His story was a real eye-opener!

Another story told is about Bertra Frank Latham, who suffered severe neglect at a nursing home when his wife (and primary caregiver) needed surgery and could no longer care for him herself. His family shares the hard lessons they learned through this bad experience and provides insight into how to select a nursing home for our Golden Oldies.

It’s not all “gloom and doom” however. There is a very uplifting segment in which Art Linkletter urges seniors, “Don’t retire from life. Stay busy. Stay interested.” Having a positive attitude as our Golden Oldies age and keeping families involved with their Golden Oldies are two keys to a higher quality of life.

Who Should Watch This DVD?

Everyone!

This speaks to our Golden Oldies about keeping a positive attitude, remaining active, and learning about potential scams so as not to fall prey to them.

This DVD speaks to us, their adult children, who are already caring for them or starting to plan for that experience, and who need to learn as much as we can about many aspects of eldercare.

And it speaks to the grandchildren who can learn how to help both their parents and grandparents go through the aging process.

Please go to Saving Our Parents right now and order this DVD as gifts for the people you love. Yes, yourself included. (Or you can click on the E-store link at the top of this page to order it there. I will make a few cents from the sale if you do.)

And after viewing it, pass it along to another family who will benefit from it.

If you belong to a club or organization, ask them to show it at their next meeting. And if you are a professional working with seniors, share the DVD with your co-workers and management team.

Saving our Parents is a wake up call that will help many people.